Witless Protection/Transcript

(cuts to Rudy & Jerry)

Rudy: The babysitter..thought she was safe..but what she didn't know was-

Jerry: Was what?

Rudy: The clown. With the chainsaw..was watching her from-

Jerry: From where?!

(Kim shows of not liking the story, then back to Rudy, who is grabbing an object then leaning back up with a clown nose on)

Rudy: From inside the..house!

(Jerry screams and pushes Rudy off the log)

Kim: Okay, that's it, I'm putting an end to this fake camp-out. (Gets up and turns the lights back on)

Rudy: Aw. Hey! There is nothing fake about our camp-out. Now turn the fire back on.

Jack: Rudy, if you apologized to the park ranger, maybe he'll let us back into the Seaford Campground!

Rudy: I am not apologizing to anybody.

Kim: Rudy, you hit him repeatedly with your canoe paddle.

Rudy: I thought a bear was attacking my boat! If you're that hairy you should not be swimming in public!

Milton: Why don't I get everyone in the mood with some good old fashioned campfire songs?

Kim: Please don't.

Milton: (grabs his guitar) ♫ Oh...(plays off key) she'll be coming around the mountain when she-

(Kim grabs the guitar and throws it behind her)

Jack: Well you got farther into the song than last year.

Jerry: That's very true.

Kim: I'm outta here. (gets up and goes to the door, everyone else except Rudy follows her)

Rudy: No! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! (gets up) See, you know, I knew you city slickers wouldn't last out here in the wild. So I did what any responsible camp counselor would do. Padlocked the door and swallowed the key.

All: What?!

Rudy: (laughs) Settle in, campers! It's gonna be 3 days before we see that key again!

(They turn and look at Rudy)

Rudy: 2 if I eat a fiber bar.

(mall security alarm rings)

Jack: Hey, hey, check it out, those guys are coming out of the Athletic Authority.

Jerry: Sweet! Must be their annual ski mask sale.

Jack: Jerry, those are robbers!

(The last robber outside looks at them)

Jack: Hurry up! Open the door, we gotta stop 'em!

Rudy: I'll get the key! (gags)

(metal clatters)

Rudy: (going through the metal) Car key, key to the riding mower, oh, anybody want a jelly bean?

(They glare at him)

Rudy: No? Okay. (eats the jelly bean)

(music starts and fades to the theme song)

♫Don't (don't) you (you) get all tough with me♫

♫I'm sayin', won't (won't) you (you) come kick it with me♫

♫And we could have a ball, run up the wall, that's just how we do♫

♫And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you!♫

♫Here we go, let's start the party, chop it up like it's karate!♫

♫Everybody, don't (don't) you (you) get all tough with me♫

♫I'm sayin' won't (won't) you (you) come kick it with me♫

♫And we could have a ball, run up the wall, that's just how we do♫

♫And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you!♫

(cuts to the dojo)

Detective Bronson: Any details about the way he looked will help our sketch artist.

Jerry: Oh, there was something. Yeah, in the middle of his face he had this mound of flesh that had two holes in it.

Detective Bronson: You mean a nose?

Jerry: You are good.

Jack: Guys, we told the sketch artist what he looked like and he drew a really good likeness of him.

Rudy: Don't need it. I drew it myself. (gets up) Detective, this is your man. (holds up his drawing)

(Kim shows she disagrees with Rudy's sketch)

Kim: Or you could look for this guy. (shows the sketch artist's sketch)

Rudy: (scoffs) Yeah, good luck fishing in the dark with that mess.

(Kim rolls her eyes and gives the drawing to Detective Bronson)

Detective Bronson: That's Benny the Blade. We've been trying to put him away for years. But no one's been brave enough to point the finger at him.

Rudy: Not until Rudy Gillespie came along. You see this finger? It was born to do two things, and one of them is point at bad guys.

Milton: What's the other thing?

Rudy: I don't feel comfortable saying it in front of the cop.

(cuts to the police station)

Detective Bronson: We arrested the suspect, now we just need you to identify him.

Milton: I know how this works. This is two-way glass. Benny can't see us.

Jack: You know, this is kinda exciting.

Kim: I know. No one has ever identified this guy because he's so dangerous.

Rudy: Not till Rudy J. Gillespie came along. The J stands for "Justice".

Jerry: I thought you said it stood for "Jam Master".

Kim: "Jujitsu".

Jack: "Jaguar".

Milton: "Jermaine".

Rudy: Alright, it changes with the situation!

(Jerry walks over to the wall)

Rudy: So, let the record show that, I, Rudy Gillespie, along with my students, identify that man! (notices the glass is down) Ahh! Glass is down! Glass is down, people! Hero out! (motions Kim, Jack, and Milton to leave) Go, go, go, go! (Follows them out) Aah! Let me out!

Jerry: (throws his shirt over his face, falls over the window, screams, jumps out and follows them out)

(cutting to Falafel Phil's)

♫Hey!♫

♫Come on!♫

♫Kickin' it with you!♫